FIC: Smaller Under the Stars

[lizbee]

Title: Smaller Under the Stars
Author: LizBee
Rating: Adult
Pairing(s): Katara/Zuko; past Mai/Zuko, Aang/Katara
Warning(s): (highlight to reveal) Major character death; consent under the influence of alcohol; vanilla het sex; children

Summary: Grief isn't linear, and sometimes you need to make a connection.







Smaller Under the Stars
by LizBee


Zuko heard the footsteps on the pier, but he didn't bother to turn around. The tread was too light to be Sokka or Toph, too heavy to be Suki or Ty Lee, which left--

"Everyone's starting to worry," said Katara.

He tensed, expecting her to touch him, but Katara just sat down, hanging her legs off the jetty.

"Are you going to tell me it's been three years and I should move on? You?"

"I'd never say that."

"Thanks."

"But you've barely spoken to anyone since you arrived," she added. "Not even the kids. You're surrounded by your family, but it's like you're alone."

He realised he was touching the small shrapnel scar on his right cheek, partially concealed by his beard. He put his hand down.

"I didn't realise I was that obvious."

"We know you pretty well." Katara leaned back, letting the setting sun touch her face. "You seemed to be doing better last year. You were almost your old self."

Zuko shrugged. "It comes and goes. I've been so busy lately, it seems like I hardly have time to feel anything. I come out here, and it hits me all at once." It was, he realised, the most he'd said since arriving at Ember Island two days ago. "How are you?"

"Like you said. It comes and goes."

They watched the waves curling around the base of the jetty. Katara fiddled with the beads in her hair. "We identified the new Avatar last month. I had -- a bad couple of days."

"Will you teach him?"

"Her. Kona. And yeah, I will. Hopefully by the time she's ready, we'll have figured out what to do about airbending."

Katara shook her head.

"Come on," she said, standing up. "It'll be dark soon, and Ty Lee's been teaching Jenzu and Kiyoko to stand on their heads."

*

It had happened very quickly. One minute, Zuko was walking into a bustling square full of dignitaries from all the nations. Then the explosion.

After that, chaos.

He remembered the look of naked surprise on Mai's face as the shrapnel pierced her neck. He had dropped to his knees, trying to find the wound, knowing it was too late. Something, a rock maybe, struck his head.

After that, his memory wasn't so clear.

It was definitely Aang who had taken him by the shoulder and led him to safety. All the witnesses agreed. Zuko, his hands covered in Mai's blood, had collapsed in the arms of a physician and vomited on her shoes. The Avatar left him, went back to keep working.

Then the second bomb went off.

Sokka found Zuko the next day, not in the Earth King's guest quarters, but his uncle's apartment. Iroh was making tea, while the Fire Lord sat on the floor, a bandage on his head, his son and daughter leaning against him.

"Suki and Toph are on their way to the South Pole," said Sokka. "Katara should -- should be here." He faltered. "Where's Mai?"

Zuko looked away. Iroh shook his head.

"I'm sorry. No one told me."

"The Avatar?" Zuko asked.

"They found his body this morning."

Zuko's daughter snuffled, burying her face in her father's shoulder.

"What do I do now?" he asked his uncle.

"You go on, my nephew. You go on."

*

Dinner was a casual meal of spiced fish and vegetables, eaten in the courtyard. Tenzin ate his mango and rice, then made a play for Katara's food until she passed him to Sokka so that she could eat.

"Where are you going from here?" Suki asked.

"The Northern Air Temple first. Teo found a cache of airbending scrolls last month. From there, we'll go on to the Northern Water Tribe."

"I might go with you as far as the air temple," said Toph. "I promised Teo's dad I'd help him with some metalwork."

"Plenty of room on Appa." Katara smirked. "You can help take care of Tenzin."

"Wow," said Toph. "Thanks."

Now and then, Katara felt her gaze slip towards Zuko. He was making an effort, though it was painful to watch, and Ty Lee seemed to be doing most of the talking.

"I just don't know what he wants," she said. "And I don't think he knows, either. I can't read him at all."

"He's a lot like Mai," said Zuko.

"But he's not," she said. "I know he's her brother, but they're completely different."

"Sometimes I wish we still ran schools along military lines."

"Kids today," said Sokka, squeezing his nephew. "No respect. Drink?"

"Please."

Sokka returned Tenzin to Katara. Sleepy now, he snuggled against her. The force of his sigh made the fire tremble.

*

After the children were put to bed, Sokka opened a bottle of the rough barley liquor popular on Kyoshi Island, and Zuko countered with a very fine bottle of plum wine. Katara sat on the edge of the courtyard and listened to the conversations echo around her.

Eventually -- it was around the time that Ty Lee went to bed, and even Toph and Sokka were flagging -- she realised Zuko was gone.

She found him on the beach, lying on his back, looking up at the stars. A half-empty bottle lay beside him. Katara sat down and refilled her glass.

"Checking up on me again?"

"Not really."

"I like the stars." Zuko's speech was clear, but careful. "They remind me that I'm small."

"And that's good?"

"People say I'm one of the most powerful men in the world. Out here it all … falls away. All our petty concerns. All our grief."

"Have you ever seen the polar lights?" Katara asked.

"No."

"They make me feel the same way. Small, but -- connected."

Zuko sat up with a grunt and took a swig from his bottle. He offered it to Katara, who refilled her glass.

"To being small," she said.

"To being connected."

His bottle bumped her glass, spilling droplets of wine on her hand. Katara laughed, and he caught her wrist and raised her hand to his mouth, lips and tongue brushing the sensitive skin between her thumbs and forefinger.

Katara stilled.

"Sorry." Zuko dropped her hand. "Too much to drink. Don't know what--"

Katara leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. For a second he seemed too stunned to respond. Then his hands crept around her shoulders, drawing her close, bringing her with him as he lay back on the sand.

His beard tickled her skin, and his breath was hot, and it was a long time since she had kissed anyone. A long time for him, too, judging by his growing urgency. His hands were warm and dry. There was sand in his hair.

Katara sat up, breathing heavily.

"I think," she said, "that sex on the beach is overrated."

"Jenzu and Kiyoko are in the room next to mine."

"Tenzin's across the hall from me. And he's a heavy sleeper."

The walk from the beach to the house was unsteady, as much because they were still clinging to each other as because of the alcohol. The house was in darkness by now. Katara leaned against the wall and kissed Zuko's neck while he fumbled at the door.

"That's really distracting."

"'S meant to be."

Upstairs, Zuko unfastened her shirt and undid her trousers. Katara pushed him down on the bed as her clothing pooled around her feet. For a moment she was self-conscious: this was Zuko, whom she'd known for fifteen years, and she was suddenly aware that her body had thickened in places, her thighs dimpled, her breasts sagging.

Zuko leaned forward and kissed her nipple, his hands sliding down her waist, over her hips. Katara rested her knee on the bed, between his legs. She shifted towards him, just a little, and felt him respond.

Fire Nation clothes had too many fiddly little fastenings. She gave up trying to open his shirt, and let him peel it off. But he stopped when she reached for his trousers.

"Sometimes," he whispered, drawing patterns on her hips with his fingers, "what I think I want turns out to be the wrong thing."

"Is that what you think this is?" Katara asked.

"I don't know."

"One night," she said. "It doesn't have to be forever." She guided his hand between her legs. "I didn't realise how much I wanted--"

"To feel?"

"To let go."

He stroked her, and she shivered. His hands were warm. He was kissing her again, letting his tongue play over her skin. He slipped a finger inside of her. She traced the edge of his scar and felt him flinch, but he didn't pull away.

Her orgasm broke over her like a wave, and she sagged against him, losing her balance and letting gravity take her. Zuko grunted, undoing his trousers. Katara straddled him, trying to go slowly, but he was much too close. His back arched as he came, and she thought she might have bruises where he clutched her thighs.

It was the first night in a long time that she fell asleep quickly.

*

Zuko woke before dawn with a headache and a mouthful of hair and beads. He lay still for a while, listening to Katara breathe. The house was quiet for now, but in another half-hour the sun would be up, and his children with it. He should go back to his own room. He should go and bathe.

He kissed the back of Katara's neck. She sighed and snuggled against him.

He stayed a little longer.

Nevertheless, he was downstairs in the courtyard when Kiyoko emerged from the house, Jenzu following a few minutes later. Zuko watched them train, correcting Kiyoko's form and Jenzu's breathing, then sparred with both of them, separately and together. Kiyoko almost won, and he didn't even have to let her.

The others were waking up by the time they finished. Ty Lee was leaning in the doorway, her arms crossed.

"You guys are getting really good," she told Kiyoko and Jenzu. "Now show your dad how you can walk on your hands." Off Zuko's look, as they obeyed, she added, "It's a valuable skill. Iif the prince and princess thing doesn't work out, they can go into the circus."

"Right."

"Your aura's very blue this morning."

"I--"

"Here." She put a glass in his hand. "It's my oldest sister's cure for a hangover. Katara's down on the beach, by the way."

Zuko thought about going down there, but his children had moved from handstands to cartwheels, and any minute now, one of them was going to figure out what would happen if you added firebending to the mix.

He stayed.

Kiyoko caught his eye.

"What?" she said.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing." She turned herself the right way up. "You're just smiling, that's all."

*

It was late in the afternoon before Zuko came to her.

"The kids are taking a walk down the beach," he said. "Do you want to come?"

Katara smiled.

"I'll get Tenzin," she said.

They walked a little way behind the children, watching Kiyoko and Jenzu lead Tenzin by his hands.

"Thank you for last night," said Zuko.

Katara gave him a sidelong look. He wasn't quite blushing.

"There was a pretty strong element of self-interest," she said.

"Yeah. Well."

The kids were clustered around a large rockpool, intent on whatever was within. Katara took his hand.

Jenzu slipped and fell in the rockpool, but his cry was of laughter, not pain. That made Tenzin laugh, and threw his hands up, and water and sand followed, spraying in Kiyoko's face and hair.
"He's a good kid," said Zuko.

"It's hard," Katara admitted, "teaching him airbending through scrolls and memories. Aang started writing a lot down when we found out I was pregnant, but it wasn't enough. And Tenzin doesn't remember him at all." She stopped, turning to face him. "So I can't just stop my life to be with you. It's not just Tenzin, I mean, there's my students, my work. The Avatar."

"I understand," said Zuko. "And I wouldn't ask you to."

"But we could do it again," she said, suddenly awkward. "Like this, I mean, sometimes. Informally. When we can."

"I'd like that."

"Me too."

She kissed him very quickly, then pulled away before anyone else might see. The sun was setting, and the children were calling them over.



end

Comments

[cofax7]

Oh, I liked that a lot. It's very ... grown-up. And full of grief and other responsibilities.

[lizbee]

Thanks! That was the way it took shape in my head, leaving behind the overt drama of being a teenager, and replacing it with something more settled, though no less deeply felt.

[unjapanologist]

Oh, this was lovely. I love how calm and accepting everyone is of this new reality where several key people are missing, how much the rest continues on like before, except not- there's things missing all over the place. Beautiful and sad.

Beard!Zuko is turning into a kink for me, it seems. Must have more of him.

[lizbee]

Oh, this was lovely. I love how calm and accepting everyone is of this new reality where several key people are missing, how much the rest continues on like before, except not- there's things missing all over the place. Beautiful and sad.

Oh, thank you! I ... kind of have a problem with stories where people maintain the same level of grief for years and years, and it just winds up being a bit extravagant.

Also: the later years of Queen Victoria.

Beard!Zuko is turning into a kink for me, it seems. Must have more of him.

Mm. Yes. I mean, say what you like about his male relatives, but he comes from a long line of really excellent facial hair.

[sasha_feather]

I really enjoyed this! Well done.

(I think "plumb wine" should be "plum wine".)

[lizbee]

Thank you!

(And thanks. Going to fix then, then die of embarrassment.)

[zulu]

I enjoyed this! Here by a rec in musesfool's comments.

[eruthros]

I really enjoyed this! It's a lovely story, and full of a perfect kind of quiet grief.

[musesfool]

I enjoyed this a lot - I like how it was meaningful but not dramatic, and about being ready to feel after grieving.

[alexseanchai]

♥

[miriad]

Oh, I liked this a lot! You've really got the feel for the world and the characters and it felt like this was the natural progression from the show.

I was sad that both Katara and Zuko had lost the person that they had loved and created families with. But there was something really sweet and warm about how the two of them came together.

This is wonderful!